febrero 21, 2007

Uninvited guest

¡Eureka! No es necesario ser abiertamente descortés ante las inesperadas visitas que nos rompen los esquemas. Encontré una sutileza lingüística que bien puede servir para, al menos, despertar la sospecha del visitante respecto a cuán bienvenido es a irrumpir sorpresivamente en nuestro hogar. Puede aplicarse tanto a suegras molestas y seres indeseados, como a conocidos o amigos que apreciamos pero que realmente cayeron en un mal momento.

Es así: primero practiquen una sonrisa entre cínica y amigable (no debe ser muy rígida pues el cinismo se evidenciaría sobremanera) y, cuando la hayan logrado, busquen el punto de articulación exacto para decir lo que detallo a continuación (les recomiendo practicar en voz alta un par de veces, y les aseguro que, una vez logrado, saldrá siempre con naturalidad).

En vez de decir falsamente:
—Aaahh, (fulano/a), gracias por pasar...

Ustedes dirán:
—Aaahh, (fulano/a), gracias por pesar...

La clave está en la pronunciación de esa importante vocal, pues si la E suena demasiado, la sutileza se nos va al tacho, y si suena A, pues estamos mintiendo. Ahora bien, el punto de articulación de estas vocales no dista demasiado, y lo implosivo de la P con lo sibilante de la S colaboran bastante a disimular la vocal que está entre dichas consonantes. Por otra parte, es altamente recomedable exagerar y/o alargar la última A para disimular mejor. (Nota: la sonrisa antes practicada es más que indispensable, pues contribuye notablemente al camuflamiento vocálico).

El resultado de la enunciación debe ser algo sutilmente extraño, en virtud de lo cual el visitante con un mínimo grado de suspicacia ya habrá quedado suavemente advertido de que, cuanto antes se vaya, mejor para todos. “A buen entendedor, raras vocales” (Carpe diem dixit).

428 Comments:

At 21/2/07 15:58, Blogger FL said...

hummmm, entonces si cuando yo haga un comentaqrio en su blog, usted me contesta:

- Aaaah Fodor, gracias por pæsaaar..

debo deducir que me está echando, ¿no?

 
At 21/2/07 19:05, Blogger ¿...? said...

Perdón, un sutil "...gracias por pasear." ¿Entraría en la misma categoría?

 
At 21/2/07 22:42, Blogger Cuni said...

Conozco una que no es sutil pero que surte efecto si se la dice con el tono contrario al que amerita la frase:
"Qué suerte que tienen las visitas que pueden irse cuando quieran".
Después de esta frase recomiendo lanzar una carcajada como si en verdad lo dicho se tratara de una broma.
Y para actuar en consecuencia con lo que acabo de escribir, me voy, porque tenés suerte y soy una visitante ubicada. Salute

 
At 22/2/07 00:05, Blogger * said...

En este caso, el uninvited guest seria yo. Usted no me conoce, señorita, espero que sepa disculpar el atrevimiento.
Su posteo me recuerda a aquella vez en la que yo, hablando por telefono con alguien no muy querido, meti la pata... Quise decir: ¨Ya que me llamaste...¨, pero en vez de eso articulé: ¨Ya que me molestaste...¨ En fin, falle en algo más que un par de vocales...
Saludos.

 
At 22/2/07 00:41, Blogger Tomás Grounauer said...

¿"suegras molestas"? Me suena a chiste de los años 80'!

 
At 22/2/07 10:04, Anonymous Anónimo said...

¡Juas! Para el de oído atento y rápida hubicación es un mensaje claro y contundente. Para los más duros de entender, es casi un mensaje subliminal. Quizás hasta se vayan antes sin saber por qué. Gracias Carpe, queremos más de estos consejos prácticos.

 
At 22/2/07 10:29, Blogger Z... said...

ja! y agregar "ha sido toda una molestia de su parte"... (me voy)

 
At 22/2/07 22:37, Blogger sa said...

tan practicable que da gusto esperar que algún molesto toque la puerta para ensayar!

 
At 23/2/07 14:31, Blogger EnLaOscuridadDeLaNoche said...

Ja,ja,ja Lo tendré en cuenta para la próxima vez :-)

 
At 23/2/07 21:13, Anonymous Anónimo said...

Oh, my God! puse ubicación con H! Que me castigue la comitiva de la RAE, porque no me voy a perdonar...

 
At 25/2/07 04:05, Blogger UNOyPUNTO said...

Hola. Paso para decirte que LimaMos Blog está de vuelta, post vacaciones!... saludos y nos pasamos!

 
At 25/2/07 20:56, Blogger Carpe diem said...

Fodor Lobson: Y en ese caso estará usted deduciendo muy bien... “deduciendo”, que no es lo mismo que “seduciendo”, ¡ojo al piojo!

¿...?: Eso estaría, creo yo, entre la indecisión y la sutileza. Si el (no) invitado es medio lento, quizás no entienda nada de nada y se quede horas y horas. ¡Cuidado!

Cunilandia: ¡Qué amable! Me gustan l@s invitad@s ubicad@s... lo que no me gusta tampoco, ahora que lo pienso, son esas personas que vienen a visitarte y cada 2' te preguntan si no te están molestando, si no tenías otra cosa que hacer y te están jodiendo... cola de paja tienen ésos. Pero tampoco es tu caso ése, ¿no, muchachita? Saludos.

La última inocencia: Tremendo fallido fue ése, arduo de remontar. En fin, todos cometemos errores en nuestras vidas, de ellos se aprende.

Cerebro magnético: Sucede que la imagen de Doña Tremebunda dejó una impronta muy marcada en mi persona, mucho Condorito, ¿qué shé le va'shé?

Absurda: ¡Eso! Sí, tú lo has dicho, es un mensaje subliminal, como “Yvan eht nioj”, pero más sutil.

Z...: Por algo existe la frase: “NO te hubieras molestado...”, pocos valoran la sutil ambivalencia expresiva que encierra.

Kamaka y En la oscuridad de la noche: Después me cuentan cómo les fue.

Absurda: Sí, cuando lo leí se me cayó un ídolo (justito, del estante vino un beatle para abajo)... pero bueno, somos humanos, puede pasar... ejem, bueno, ahora dese la vuelta que viene la serie de 50 azotes + 50 latigazos, ¡para que se UBIQUE, señorita! ;-)

Limamos Blog: Welcome back! Gracias por pæsaaar (jiji, es chiste, es chiste).

Saludos, gente, y gracias por p?saaaar.

C.

? = A (no soy ‘tan’ HDP)

 
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